It’s NOT them, it’s YOU.

20160115_093719-1It is a complex combination of parallel traits and kindred mannerisms attempting to fit into a symmetrical synergy, it’s a discovery of identity and a dive into the depths of dissimilarity, it’s an awakening to the knowledge of imperfections and purity, and it is the evolution of brilliance. Doesn’t this description sound mysteriously appealing but somewhat intimidating? By now, I am sure you are wondering what I am talking about. Humans are miraculous creations, so divinely assembled with all the pieces fitting into the correct spaces, woven together by the elements of the earth, and held together by the very essence of God; living phenomenons powerful enough to shift the entire balance of an atmosphere just by being present. We are light moving in darkness, triumphantly blazing a trail for others to follow. Isn’t it ironic that we can be all so profoundly glorious and be absolutely blind at the same time?

People, including myself, struggle to see things that are so apparent. Not because they don’t want to see but because they have not been taught to distinguish. The lessons that were taught by the elders have been discredited as nothing more than old school babble, the village is at war with itself and is being destroyed. Still confused? Probably. Let me unravel the parable for you. When you look in the mirror you see yourself. You see your features, you take in how you’ve changed, and you marvel at how wonderfully you are aging. Unfortunately, when you walk away from that mirror your sight becomes distorted by ego.

Have you ever been betrayed by someone you loved? Did they leave you disappointed and dismantled? Did you have your speech rehearsed, ready to tell them about all of the times you held them down and how you were there when no one else was willing to be? Did you replay in your mind all the time spent, secrets shared, and memories made; that have now been trampled on like garbage? Did you give yourself the pep talk and remind yourself of who you are and how they got you all f*cked up? “They must not know who I am,” did you say that to yourself? Funny thing, it’s not that they don’t know who you are, the problem is you don’t understand the role you play in every situation unfolding in your life and relationships.

It is so much easier to blame the other person and point out all of their wrongdoings. It is easy to read them like a book and lay all the blame at their door. It difficult for most to look at self before they look to another. Few want to do the hard work of being accountable and even more have no idea how to begin to take any responsibility, especially when fault can be found in another. Nobody wants to be asked what part they played in a saga when they are the victim. What decent person asks a wounded soul, how did you participate in your injury? However, if people could arrive to this place of maturity, relationships would be healthy and long-lasting. When you look around your environment, in your intimate world, everything that you see is a reflection of you. From your friends to spouse, and everyone in between; they are a piece of you. Go back and read the first paragraph of this posts, doesn’t that sound like a complicated relationships? People trying to figure out how to get along, falling in and out of love, friends then foes, and allies who become enemies; why does this happen? Fortunately the answer is easy, a lack of or the inability to be accountable.

Though it isn’t packaged in a beautiful description, accountability is one of the most liberating and empowering things a person can be. When you are accountable, you expand your way of life and living. When you truly understand that the people you have invited into your world are a reflection of you, you can never be a prisoner of poisonous relationships again. Humans like animals, stick to their own kind. We attract people who make us feel a sense of belonging. It isn’t always about race, if you connect with a person for reasons known or unknown, you bring them into your tribe. The tribe is your safe place, it is where you go to find rest until a problem arises. When you are able to bring personal accountability into your human-ships, your life will explode into a harmonious sanctuary. Being accountable doesn’t put all the weight on you and display all of your shortcomings, it causes you to see you and it compels you to take ownership of situations in your life. When you are not accountable, you are at the mercy of the behavior of others, a perpetual victim. Yet, when you stand in a space of reflective awareness, you own your part and become a part of the solution to problems that come your way.

The accountability talk is one of the hardest lessons that I have learned and am still learning in coaching. No subject matter taught to me by my life coach has made me cry more than accountability. As the tears dried and I calmed my emotions, I began to understand what she was teaching me. She wasn’t verbally beating me up, diminishing the validity of my hurt, nor was she attempting to belittle me and stunt my growth; she was escorting me into a place of empowered liberation. So the next time a situation starts to unravel in one of your human-ships, before you point your finger, go look in the mirror, own your part, and take control of your life.

You hate me now but you will thank me later.


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