Advice, family, People, Self Help, Uncategorized

How to break your own heart

Valentine’s Day is rapidly approaching and in keeping with the spirit of the season, I thought I would share a tidbit of wisdom with my readers ♥

cry eyeHumans are interesting creatures, capable of the most magnificent inventions and equally responsible for some of the greatest destructions in the world. They are boundless in beauty, the vastness of their hues, sizes, languages, and beliefs distinguish one from another. In as much as they are divinely beautiful to see and experience, they can be the most dangerous of all of God’s creations, quiet a contradictory force, humans are. Now that I have painted a picture of our subject, let’s get to the heart of the matter. 

Relationships can be a blessing, a lesson, or both; depending on your perception. Whether it is a love relationship or a relationship with family or friends, every association requires your participation. It’s impossible to be in relationship with anyone without a level of interaction and consent. People will always and in all ways(learned that pearl of wisdom from my Life Coach) show you their true identity. If you hang around a person long enough, listen intently, and be observant; they will show you their character and precisely what’s in their heart. So, if we know all of this, how do we break our own hearts?

Dr. Maya Angelou said it best, “When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.” We are somewhat responsible for our own heart breaks because we will know who a person is at their core and still expect something different. If you are anything like me, you have faith in people and believe that they can be loved into being better. The problem with that belief is, who a person is or decides to become is not my nor your decision to make. As much as we love people, who they become is entirely up to them. So, the first time a person shows you who they are, believe it! 

HOW I BROKE MY OWN HEART

Family and connection is very important to me, it’s the cornerstone of belonging in my world. As you may have read in my last post, wanting to belong, when not balanced with boundaries and wisdom can be detrimental.  For example, I’ve known a certain person for a very long time and I have known exactly who they are from the beginning. Repeatedly, they have shown me where their loyalties lie, their inability to be trusted, and how they respond in challenging times; it was absolutely clear that they were not #TeamTamika. No matter how I encouraged, supported, nor loved them, they would always find a way to make me the monster in their story; yet I persisted. Because I can feel people, I knew that this person was acting out of their own hurts and insecurities, so I kept forgiving and allowing. It’s healthy to forgive but it’s disastrous to continue forgiving for the same transgression. 

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”~Maya Angelou

Because I had a history of allowing behaviors that caused me hurt, I taught this person that it was ok to treat me in a manner that caused me harm. I taught her that she could treat me wrong, I would forgive her, and we would go back to “normal,” talk about dysfunctional. Love doesn’t equal being a victim. Love doesn’t hurt, people do. Loving someone, even family will not always mean having a relationship with them. In true predictable fashion, she did the ultimate to hurt me recently and has added insult to injury whenever possible. As I sat with my feelings and looked at our history, I had to own up to my part and take full responsibility for the heartbreak that I am now feeling. I knew long ago that a toxic person will infect everything that they touch; especially those who are comfortable in their toxicity.

Mending My Heart

Now that I have accepted responsibility for my current plight, where do I go from here? Currently, I am settling into the feelings of loss. It has taken this level of hurt for me to garner the strength and the courage to let this person go. In order to heal, I must forgive them and myself. I acknowledge and accept that a relationship with this person is not an option and I must love them from a distance.  I have reduced interactions with them and if/when I am in their presence, I will be cordial without engaging. I am staying open to my feelings without assigning judgement to any of the parties involved. What’s done has been done before and if I allowed it would be done again; the emotional rollercoaster stops here. Onward ♥

I can be changed by what happens to me. but I refuse to be reduced by it.~ Maya Angelou

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