Today has been eventful and I am feeling the stress and exhaustion of the day’s events. Per usual, I retreated to my shower to cleanse my body and my soul, to meditate, and relish in the heat of the water. As I was getting my zen on and finding my center, God spoke to me; as He usually does when I am in or near water. He lovingly said to me, “you have to take responsibility and be accountable for how accommodating you are and for what you allow.” WHOA! Just like God to do what I ask Him daily, “show me, me and show me how to fix me.” How do you respond to something that is 1000% truthful and absolutely YOU? Easily, you hear AND listen and then you get busy working.
It is no secret to those who know me intimately, I am an enabler. I love hard, especially my family and I’ve loved without boundaries, in the past. To be frank, I still struggle with sticking to boundaries that I have set, ESPECIALLY with my family. Do you see a theme or pattern here? As I stood under the water and pondered what God told me, I looked at situations in my life and I saw where I am DEFINITELY too accommodating. I am wide open to being used and my kindness abused, even to those whom have not been kind to me but want to reap the benefits of my loyalty and dedication, THAT STOPS TODAY! I can’t lay blame on anyone’s doorstep, the error is on me, yet again, I have allowed myself to be depleted in the name of love. Once I got out of the shower, I looked at myself in the mirror; I saw the exhaustion in my eyes, I feel the tiredness in my bones, my baby toe is hurting so bad, what the hell is that about? I asked myself, “don’t you deserve better?”
I ABSOLUTELY DESERVE BETTER!
I deserve to love myself enough to say no, mean no, and stick to my no. Being too accommodating has gotten me to this exact point. However, this isn’t a negative space. I see it as a time for me to TRULY honor my boundaries, heal those places in me that are afraid of saying no but yields knowingly to being used, and step further into my individuality. The absolute truth of the matter is, people are who they are and me being worn to the bone, accommodating their whims, making life easy for them; praying to love them into a better person, is counterproductive. As my grandma use to tell me all of the time, “there is some good in the worst of them and some bad in the best of them. Who we become is up to us.”
As much as I remember all of the things my grandma taught me, I have been blind to the most important lesson that she left with me. I watched my grandma until the day she died put her family first, even before her own health. I saw how destructive enabling is for all parties and I saw people take advantage of her nurturing and accommodating heart. I am not new to this and yet I am following the same path, repeating the same behaviors, and to be honest, getting the same outcomes. I am playing the same game with different players. THAT STOPS TODAY!
If you are like me and you love hard but you find yourself empty and exhausted, I encourage you to take a look at you, FIRST. Don’t beat yourself up for having a soul that loves and gives, just set up boundaries that pours love into you and those you love. Remember, you can be a masterpiece and a work in progress at the same time. Onward♥