Body Love

My Body. My Way. My Wellness.

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I have been thick, fat, Plus Size, or whatever you want to call it all of my life. Weight has never truly been an issue for me because being on the bigger side is what I have always been, it is my normal. As a young girl, I had the body of a woman, puberty was a physical explosion for me, I was stacked, baby! I’ve always had breasts, hips, thighs, and butt; I don’t know life any other way and honestly I don’t desire to know a different way. However, as I age and genetic illnesses like Heart Disease, High Blood Pressure, and Diabetes become more of a reality, I have to reconsider my stance of weight and weight loss. My rule of thumb for managing my weight has always been, stay away from 300 lbs. At my highest weight, after a knee injury I reached 300 lbs and I was mortified. I dropped the weight and vowed to never ever get back to that weight again, a girl has to have boundaries.

Well here we are and I am close to crossing my personal boundary. I was weighed at a recent appointment and when the scale said 294, I didn’t flinch, I wasn’t overwhelmed; it’s just a number I told myself. I know how to drop those pounds I’ve done it before. Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and I took some photos and I could see the weight, especially in my chin and face, that annoys me. Because I have a long torso and short legs, I carry my weight very well, it doesn’t land in one place it spreads out. Currently, I am in a Bursitis flare up that is horrible and I know it is because of the weight gain. In previous flares I could use home remedies and calm it down, this time around nothing is working, I even fell down the stairs, my hip simply can’t support the weight, hell I am not 30 anymore. So, I had to have a serious conversation with myself and figure where do I go from here and how am I going to get there.

First of all, how did I get back to being almost 300 lbs, medication. I have PTSD and because of that sleep is a challenge for me and the medication that works best for me cause weight gain, FUCK!! Honestly, on this medication I feel a lot better, the depression is manageable, the nightmares aren’t as violent, the flashbacks have decreased; I truly feel better emotionally and mentally than I have in 4 years; for that reason, my Psychiatrist and I agreed that I would stay on the medicine and work to manage my weight. I have food issues, food and I don’t always like each other. I go through bouts of food aversion where the thought of eating makes me physically ill. My appetite is attached to my emotions and any movement in them affects my ability to eat. I have never been diagnosed with an Eating Disorder nor have I even had the desire to explore if I have one, since my childhood my appetite has been weird. Certain foods and food textures freak me out, I like what I like and I run from what I don’t like. People assume that because you are big that you just sit and eat, not true at all.
So, where do I go from here? I considered VSG surgery but nope, I am tired of surgeries and recoveries. While it is not completely off the table, it is my last resort. I can’t meal prep because to look at all that food stored in containers knowing I have to eat it will trigger my food aversion, it is just too overwhelming. The only thing that I can honestly handle and be consistent with is portion control, food elimination, and healthy snacking. This can’t be something that I do just to get away from 300 lbs, it has to be a way of life that I can happily live. Heart Disease, Diabetes, and I already have High Blood pressure are my reality and if I am to either prevent them from happening at all or hold them off as long as I can, I have to drop the weight that I have gained and maintain the weight loss.

Pain is apart of my everyday life Thanks Endometriosis. I live a sedentary lifestyle, I don’t exercise at all because it aggravates my pelvic pain and ain’t nobody got time for that BS. However, I know I have to get moving. Water Aerobics is gonna be my best option, it is less stress on my hip and less aggravating to my pelvic floor. Weight loss and Weight Wellness looks different on every person, there is no one size fits all approach to weight and health. As individuals, we have to find what works for our individual bodies. I would be lying if I said that this journey isn’t intimidating, my anxiety is whispering all kinds of fears in my ear, and my self image is feeling a little shaky. I don’t know who I am without big boobs, thick thighs, hips, and butt, that scares me. On the other hand, weight related diseases and the possibility of dying young like my sister, scares me more.
Therefore, my plan is to drop the pounds in a healthy way, I didn’t gain them overnight and I won’t lose them overnight. This journey will be paced and healthy, with me working to lose a pound per week. I am not setting some unreasonable goal nor time lines. At this point, I am 294 lbs and it is the holiday season, ya girl is gonna eat BUT I will be eating appropriate portions. Once the holiday season is done, I will become more aggressive about changing my eating lifestyle, getting into a local Water Exercise Class, and getting far away from 300 lbs for good. My goal weight is 220 lbs but that will be reached by hitting smaller weight targets, I have a plan. My first small goal is to get back to 276, that means I have to work to get out of the 290 arena first; it took time to gain and it will take time to lose. I won’t beat myself up and I won’t stress about the weight or dropping the pounds, this will be a healthy journey to weight wellness and not just weight loss.

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